1 00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,738 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:09,308 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:12,778 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:15,947 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:19,317 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:22,621 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,188 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,991 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:30,962 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,369 And now back to Romancing the Stone. 11 00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:40,750 The only way they're not going to kill my sister is if we give them the stone. 12 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,552 Well, they're going to be looking everywhere. 13 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:45,243 We'll have to hide it in my chin. 14 00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:48,413 Uh-oh, here they come. You'd better get in there, too. 15 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:55,287 Good God, Joan Wilder's sister is being held hostage in Cartagena, 16 00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:59,191 and there's not a policeman in sight. I guess it's up to me. 17 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:01,693 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. And I'm Diane Simmons. 18 00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:05,230 Our top story, Mayor West has dispatched the entire Quahog Police Force 19 00:01:05,298 --> 00:01:07,733 to Cartagena, Colombia, to assist in the rescue 20 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:11,003 of fictional 1984 movie character, Elaine Wilder. 21 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,370 More on that later. 22 00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:14,317 Now let's go to Ollie Williams' Cooking Corner. 23 00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:15,618 What are you making, Ollie? Eggo! 24 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,175 Thanks, Ollie. And now this. 25 00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:23,682 Lois, can you come out here for a second? 26 00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:26,863 Hey, Lois, can you run inside and get me some oranges 27 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,331 or whatever it is these things eat? 28 00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,122 Peter, what is that? 29 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:34,092 This would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. 30 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:35,939 What with Mayor West sending all the cops away, 31 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,440 everybody can do whatever they want. 32 00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,997 Peter, I don't care what Mayor West has done. 33 00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:41,633 You can't just break the law. 34 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,568 Sure, I can. I've been doing it all week. 35 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:47,105 Like yesterday, I started a lovable gang of cockney pickpockets. 36 00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:50,041 All right, boys, the best targets are old, rich people. 37 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,144 There's one now. Go get him. 38 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,980 Oh, no, there's no police here to help me! 39 00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:59,718 I hope you don't find the money strapped to my thigh. 40 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,654 Peter, you take that thing back where it belongs immediately. 41 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:06,157 All right, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Allison Janney. 42 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,859 Allison Janney? 43 00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:11,329 Oh, good morning, honey. That feels really good. What... 44 00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,031 Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? 45 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,534 You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here! 46 00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:20,939 What the hell? 47 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:24,275 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 48 00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:28,346 I gotta stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans. 49 00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:35,787 Hello. Oh, hey, Jillian. What's up? 50 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:39,224 Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight? 51 00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:40,959 What time does it start? 52 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,428 10:00 Eastern and specific time. 53 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,897 What? What did you say? Specific time? 54 00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:47,143 Don't you mean Pacific time? 55 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,534 No, I think it's called specific time. 56 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,748 They mean it starts specifically at 10:00. 57 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,540 Stewie, are you on the line? 58 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:55,707 Yes. 59 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,219 Jillian, I'll talk to you later. 60 00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:04,382 So, Meg... 61 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,519 How was school? Horrible. 62 00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:11,856 There's a dance Friday night and no one wants to go with me. 63 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:14,159 Even my backup guy had plans. 64 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,360 Hi, Jimmy. 65 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,541 I heard you didn't have a date to the dance, 66 00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:19,698 and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. 67 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,100 Oh, I... 68 00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:23,535 Hang on. 69 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:32,311 I'd love to go, Meg, but I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night. 70 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,257 Oh, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you. 71 00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,649 No, I won't. I'm so fat and gross. 72 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,050 Oh... 73 00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:42,120 I should just kill myself. 74 00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:45,790 Oh, that's... Come on. I'm gonna do it. 75 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,860 I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me. 76 00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:50,361 Oh... 77 00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:57,468 Meg, stop it. Come on. 78 00:03:57,537 --> 00:04:00,005 All right, all right, Meg, look, what if I... 79 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:03,741 What if I drove you and walked in with you or whatever? 80 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,676 Brian, will you go with me? 81 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,790 Are you going to kill yourself if I don't? Yeah. 82 00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:10,047 Well, then my hands are pretty much tied. 83 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,028 Oh, Brian, thank you, thank you, thank you. 84 00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:15,753 Oh, I have to buy a new dress. All the ones I have make me look fat. 85 00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:17,356 Oh... 86 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,358 The story on everyone's mind continues to be 87 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,395 the absence of police officers in Quahog. 88 00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:26,631 Sir, as a citizen, how has this affected you? 89 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:30,001 The police are gone? Oh, my God, we're finally safe! 90 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:34,005 ♪ Freedom you see Has got our hearts singing so joyfully 91 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:37,809 ♪ Just look about You owe it to yourself to check it out 92 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:41,780 ♪ Can't you feel a brand-new day? 93 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:45,450 ♪ Can't you feel a brand-new day? 94 00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:49,520 ♪ Can't you feel a brand-new day? 95 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:53,558 ♪ Can't you feel a brand-new day? ♪ 96 00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:58,029 Hey, Joe, where you been? We haven't seen you in days. 97 00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:01,366 Ever since Mayor West deployed the police to Cartagena, 98 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,068 I've been working nonstop. 99 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,014 The only reason I didn't have to go myself 100 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,872 is that South America isn't wheelchair accessible. 101 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:11,409 Hey, you guys, we should help Joe out. We could be cops, right, Joe? 102 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,579 Well, we have started an emergency training program 103 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,147 at the police academy, 104 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,983 but I'm not sure that you're cut out for the job. 105 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,919 Come on, we'll be great cops. 106 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,749 Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training. 107 00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:26,657 Well, we've got a long time in this decompression chamber. 108 00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,538 You guys mind if I turn on the radio? 109 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,628 Peter, don't! 110 00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:33,197 Nice going, jackass. Look what you did. 111 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:34,844 Hey. Hey, excuse the hell out of me 112 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,080 for trying to brighten your day with music, all right? 113 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,771 You idiot, use your brain. You're an idiot. 114 00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:46,244 Stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. 115 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,513 Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something. 116 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:55,187 Oh, Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. 117 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:56,955 It really means a lot to her. 118 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,402 You got any weed? I put it in your coat pocket. 119 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:00,925 Here she is. 120 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:03,672 Brian, I present to you your polished turd for the evening. 121 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:08,699 How do I look, Brian? Uh, you sure do, Meg. 122 00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:13,004 FYI, the carpet matches the drapes in color and quantity. 123 00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,993 Ever seen a blacksmith's apron? 124 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:21,779 Well, Brian, here we go. Oh, this is going to be so much fun. 125 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,121 God, this is going to be a long night. 126 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,158 Oh, Brian, let's dance. This song kicks ass. 127 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,894 ♪ Hold on to the night 128 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:43,535 ♪ Hold on to the... ♪ 129 00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:46,805 Man, I gotta tell you, I can see why you'd be insecure, Meg. 130 00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:50,041 Some of these chicks are unbelievable. 131 00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:51,954 Brian, can I ask you something? 132 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,457 Are you drinking so much because you don't want to be here? 133 00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:59,383 No, no, Meg. It's... That's... My God, look at these chicks. 134 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:01,853 You know the best thing about these girls is, 135 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,789 even if you're terrible, they don't know the difference. 136 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,292 You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, 137 00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:10,073 so you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay. 138 00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:14,732 You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. 139 00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,545 Excuse me? Brian, let's just go. 140 00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:19,182 No, no, no, no, no. Now, hang on. Hang on, Meg, hang on. 141 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,251 You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early 142 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,443 and started giving hand jobs when you were 12. 143 00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:26,790 But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror 144 00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,190 because all you see is a whore. 145 00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:30,849 So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization 146 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,518 that once your body's used up by age 19, 147 00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:36,187 you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack 148 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:39,269 that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? 149 00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:45,363 Brian, that was amazing. No one's ever stood up for me like that. 150 00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,766 Hey, no problem. She's a... She's a skank. 151 00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:49,445 You know, you don't... You don't deserve... 152 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:53,004 You don't deserve all the crap you get, Meg, you know that? 153 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,372 Thanks, Brian. 154 00:07:55,341 --> 00:08:00,578 ♪ Tell me why ♪ 155 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:08,553 Sorry, that was the booze, not you. 156 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,954 You gonna eat that? 157 00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:19,296 Yes, the day can begin. Good morning, Brian. 158 00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:22,767 Now, we can do this one of two ways. I can bust your balls to pieces right now 159 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,914 or we can spread it out over the course of the day. 160 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,649 I don't wanna talk about it. Well, I do. 161 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,651 So, tell me everything that happened at the dance. 162 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,142 Morning, cutie. Yeah, hey. 163 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,377 I had so much fun last night, Brian. 164 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,880 Hey, I thought maybe we can go get some coffee later. 165 00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,181 I don't think so. 166 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:40,919 Oh, come on. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? 167 00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:42,954 Who's a good boy? Me. 168 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,758 Oh, yes, yes, who's a good boy? I am, I'm a good boy. 169 00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:50,227 But, no, no. Look, I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry. 170 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,164 Well, we should hook up anyway. I'll bug you later. 171 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,736 Well, she seems to have taken a shine to you, Brian. 172 00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,204 With a little encouragement, 173 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,351 you might get her to put her cankles behind her ears. 174 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,452 Stewie, shut up. 175 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,510 Who the hell is texting me at 8:00 a.m.? 176 00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:12,750 Wait a minute, something did happen last night. 177 00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:15,198 Look, it's not that big a deal, all right? We just... 178 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,522 We just made out a little. 179 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,726 Tell me about it. Go! It didn't mean anything. 180 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:25,274 I had a few too many and... It's not even worth going into. 181 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,231 Oh, this is an even bigger jackpot 182 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,902 than when the Emperor figured out the formula for great Star Wars dialogue. 183 00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:36,641 Something, something, something, dark side. 184 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:40,645 Something, something, something, complete. 185 00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:01,533 Well, this is it. Our first day of Police Academy 4. 186 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,668 Welcome to the police academy. 187 00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,671 We're gonna start by learning how to do a cavity search. 188 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,751 Peter, you will be the police officer 189 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,975 and Quagmire, you will be the suspect. 190 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,087 Begin. 191 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,511 Sir, I suspect you are in possession of drugs 192 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,781 and I'm gonna have to give you a full cavity search. 193 00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,450 Drop your pants. 194 00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:22,854 Peter, you don't have to pull your pants down. 195 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:26,724 - Sorry. I'm still learning. - All right, start the search. 196 00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:40,204 I think that's everything. You want me to double check? 197 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:44,175 I appreciate you guys volunteering for this next phase of training, 198 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,145 which will address how to deal with a crazed drug user. 199 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,258 Hey, Joe, what are we supposed to do in here? 200 00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,060 You see that coffee you're drinking? 201 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,816 I have, without your knowledge, 202 00:10:52,885 --> 00:10:56,320 added a large amount of PCP to one of those cups of coffee. 203 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,822 I won't say which one, but in a few moments, 204 00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:02,927 one of you will completely lose your freaking mind. Good luck. 205 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,895 Uh-oh. This is not good. 206 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,743 We're in trouble. All right, let's all try and relax here, right? 207 00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,668 I don't feel so good. 208 00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:13,271 God, it's Cleveland, it's him, it's him! Shut up, maybe it's you. 209 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,907 How the hell did all this skin get on my arm? 210 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:22,013 Quagmire, put your skin back on. One of us is about to freak out. 211 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,720 Hi, honey. What? 212 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,755 I was thinking about our kiss last night. 213 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:33,992 I never knew how flat and wide your tongue was. 214 00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:35,660 Yeah. 215 00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,640 You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance 216 00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,330 and all the nice things you said. 217 00:11:39,398 --> 00:11:42,266 We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend. 218 00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,235 Well, Meg... 219 00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:48,139 You know what's strange? I think I might be gay. 220 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:52,476 I saw this penis on the internet today and I thought to myself, 221 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,113 "Well, that's... That's just fine." 222 00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:56,814 I'm going to the mall later. 223 00:11:56,883 --> 00:12:00,584 Maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear. 224 00:12:00,654 --> 00:12:05,189 I don't think that's gonna be a possibility. I have plans... 225 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,926 With Chris. Chris and I have plans this afternoon. 226 00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:10,234 We do? Yeah, we're doing that thing. 227 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:14,132 We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon. 228 00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:15,544 Masturbate? Masturbate. 229 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,268 We're gonna masturbate together. 230 00:12:17,336 --> 00:12:22,073 Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. 231 00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,575 Oh, there's the cute prom couple. 232 00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:27,812 Hi, Mom. Is it cool if Brian and I go to the mall this afternoon? 233 00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:31,449 Actually, I thought I was pretty clear... Of course, it's okay. 234 00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:34,837 Ever since that dance, you two have become such good friends. 235 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,487 Who would have thought? 236 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:39,324 We're more than friends, Mom. Last night, at the dance, Brian... 237 00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:42,193 Last night, we decided to be best friends. Right, Meg? 238 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,395 Come on, let's go to the mall. We'll get you a... 239 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:48,666 Get you a big old pretzel. I want a pretzel, too. 240 00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:52,003 Brian, I'm ready. You in or out? 241 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:04,182 Everyone, this is Brian. Oh, this is Brian. 242 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,683 He does look like Ben Affleck. 243 00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,462 He looks just like Ben Affleck. 244 00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:09,131 Is that Ben Affleck? Hey. 245 00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:13,057 So, how did you guys meet? I'm a friend of her dad's. 246 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,825 Ooh, he's older. 247 00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,805 He's cute. Do you have a brother? 248 00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,697 Make-up and stickers and ponies and myspace.com. 249 00:13:19,765 --> 00:13:22,800 Brian's the first serious boyfriend I've ever had. 250 00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:24,909 Meg, can I talk to you for a second? 251 00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:30,041 Look, this has gone a little too far. I like you, I think you're great. 252 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:34,678 But what happened at the dance was... I mean, that kiss was just a mistake. 253 00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,347 Oh, no, did I do something wrong? 254 00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:38,227 Was it because I didn't sniff your butt first? 255 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:41,530 What? No. I mean, yes. That's how I would know you were interested. 256 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,866 But, Meg, the fact is you and I are friends 257 00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:46,457 and that's the way it needs to stay. 258 00:13:46,525 --> 00:13:49,293 Besides, I have a girlfriend, I'm dating Jillian. 259 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:52,130 All right, Brian. I understand. 260 00:13:52,198 --> 00:13:55,699 Good. I'm gonna grab Stewie and then we can go. 261 00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:59,170 What's that Brian? Oh, you were just kidding? 262 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:03,674 I knew you were. I love you, too, Brian, and you love me. 263 00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:06,543 You do love me, Brian. 264 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,052 Hey, Brian. Oh, Meg. Hey. 265 00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:18,233 Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling all right about our little talk the other day. 266 00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,291 You know, about us being just friends and all. 267 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:23,060 Oh, yeah. No, I'm fine, I'm fine. 268 00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:27,097 And, hey, look I... I wanted to thank you for being so great to me. 269 00:14:27,166 --> 00:14:31,669 So, I baked you a pie. Oh, wow. Hey, that looks delicious. 270 00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,905 Mmm. Wow, this is good. What's in there? 271 00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:38,609 Well, there some apples and some cinnamon and my hair. 272 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,479 What? My hair's in the pie, Brian. 273 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:46,684 And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. 274 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,453 Do you feel me, Brian? 275 00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:52,290 Do you feel me inside of you? 276 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,728 Ooh, you got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? 277 00:14:57,797 --> 00:15:00,731 Uh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Whip. 278 00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:03,579 What'd you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Whip. 279 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,403 Cool Whip? Cool Whip, yeah. 280 00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,505 You mean, Cool Whip. Yeah, Cool Whip. 281 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:08,884 Cool Whip. Cool Whip. 282 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,641 Cool Whip. Cool Whip. 283 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,854 You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the "H"? 284 00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:14,590 What are you talking about? I'm just saying it, Cool Whip. 285 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:17,114 You put Cool Whip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Whip. 286 00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:18,460 Say "whip". Whip. 287 00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:20,162 Now say "Cool Whip". Cool Whip. 288 00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:21,664 Cool Whip. Cool Whip. 289 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,864 Cool Whip. Cool Whip. 290 00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:24,355 You're eating hair! 291 00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:29,726 Well, Lois, I am now a graduate of the Quahog Police Academy 292 00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:32,530 and an official on-duty cop. 293 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:36,801 Oh, I can't believe I'm married to a big, scary police officer. 294 00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:39,537 Just keep your eyes on the eggs, ma'am. 295 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:43,408 Yes, Officer. 296 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:47,245 You are such a dirty cop. Don't break those yolks, ma'am. 297 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:48,579 Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you. 298 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,749 I know. Now stick your finger in there and twist it. 299 00:15:55,354 --> 00:16:00,090 Hey, Lois. Can I talk to you for a second? I think we may have a problem with Meg. 300 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,960 You're telling me? She's been locked in her room all day. 301 00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:05,763 Who knows what she's doing up there? 302 00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:19,843 Yeah, well, the thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me 303 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,813 and I'm kind of losing control of the situation. 304 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,616 Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance. 305 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:28,986 Well, I think it's more than that. 306 00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:31,689 So here's the thing, and don't get mad, 307 00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,435 and that part I can't stress enough... 308 00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:35,626 That's a great shirt, by the way. 309 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:38,762 I may have made out with Meg. 310 00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:42,133 Okay, I had that coming. 311 00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:45,102 What the hell is wrong with you? You sick bastard. 312 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,671 Look, I was drinking... Oh, what a shock. 313 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,473 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 314 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,877 Look, the short version is this morning she made me eat her hair pie... 315 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,445 No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some, too. 316 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:57,115 Stop punching me. 317 00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,783 Look, Brian, I don't know what the hell happened between you two 318 00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:04,088 but you better go upstairs and straighten it out right now. 319 00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:07,591 This is even worse than when you ate that bubble-gum out of the garbage. 320 00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,439 Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? 321 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,731 Uh, no. Why? Don't lie to me, Brian. 322 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,032 I'm not lying. 323 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,839 Meg, you got a minute? 324 00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:27,411 What the hell? 325 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,047 I made that for you, Brian. Meg! 326 00:17:30,116 --> 00:17:33,551 Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday. So I'll explain it again. 327 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,729 And here to assist me is 328 00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,298 Headmaster of the New York School 329 00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,500 for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. 330 00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:40,791 Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. 331 00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:44,361 We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! 332 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,241 I will never be attracted to you. 333 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:50,367 I will never be attracted to you! 334 00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:52,448 You're acting like a psycho bitch. 335 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:56,140 You're acting like a psycho bitch! 336 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,454 Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. 337 00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:02,279 Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow! 338 00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,718 I won't be ignored, Brian. 339 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,720 I like your ass. 340 00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:25,169 Joe, I gotta tell you. 341 00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:27,048 This whole cop thing ain't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. 342 00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:29,018 When do we get to shoot some bad guys? 343 00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:30,941 Guys, it's not all about action. 344 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,377 It's about staying vigilant until you're needed. 345 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,114 What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. 346 00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:38,316 Bonnie's your wife. I know. 347 00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:41,430 I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met 348 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,555 but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. 349 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,657 Get naked, you strange whore! 350 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,960 Peter, I haven't seen Meg or Brian since last night. 351 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,774 I think something may have happened. 352 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:55,933 Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night, 353 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,647 put him in the trunk of his car and then drive away? 354 00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,239 What? Chris, why didn't you say anything? 355 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,118 I dropped the ball, I'm sorry. 356 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:07,578 I have just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours. 357 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:11,582 Oh, my God. Brian was right. Meg really must be obsessed with him. 358 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,950 Peter, we gotta find them. 359 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,585 Don't worry, Lois, we're the police 360 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:17,555 and we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl-Chris. 361 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:23,594 I'm really having a great time tonight, Brian. 362 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,963 I can't believe you went to all this trouble. 363 00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:31,068 Well, you know me. Oh, I do, Brian. I know you so well. 364 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,971 So, are you ready? For what? 365 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,442 For the fun we're gonna have, Brian. We're gonna have fun tonight. 366 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:43,981 Good old-fashioned, all-American fun. 367 00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:48,385 Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna lie to you, here. I'm a little uncomfortable. 368 00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:51,889 Oh, just relax. We're gonna be here for a while. 369 00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,435 Well, I don't know if... Wait, what? 370 00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:55,204 We're gonna be here for a while. 371 00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,427 A while? Yeah, a while. 372 00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:59,141 You mean a while? A while. 373 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,542 A while. A while. 374 00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:01,910 A while. A while. 375 00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,934 A while. Brian, you're acting weird. 376 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,603 Oh, come on, that one doesn't even have an "H" in it. 377 00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:10,073 Don't move, dirtbag. Holy crap, what the hell is this? 378 00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:12,075 Brian, she's a teenager. 379 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:15,246 Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman 380 00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:17,314 that Woody Allen brought home from the circus. 381 00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,961 Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you 382 00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:22,564 when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement. 383 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,222 But, first, Meg, you need to let Brian go. 384 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:29,126 But Mom, I love him! Honey, you're just confused. 385 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,628 I'm not confused. 386 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:33,631 I've never been more certain about anything in my life. 387 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,199 I need him. 388 00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,835 Meg, I know that's what you think right now, but you're... 389 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,404 God, I wish I could make you understand. 390 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:42,206 You don't know what you need. 391 00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,742 I know what she needs. You do? 392 00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:48,613 You bet. Bring her by my house around 8:30 tonight, I'll take care of her. 393 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,717 Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Mom said I should come over here? 394 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:57,220 Have a seat, Meg. Soon, it'll all become clear. 395 00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:05,929 Excuse me, while I get a little more comfortable. 396 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:08,766 Meg, I've watched you grow up from a playful little girl 397 00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,934 into a very special young woman. 398 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:14,572 Now, you probably just think of me as "square old Mr. Quagmire from next door," 399 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:17,708 but, I've been around the block a few times, learned a couple things. 400 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:21,312 And I can tell you this, there's no reason to grow up too fast. 401 00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,881 Teenage girls are exposed to so much these days 402 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,350 I can see why a relationship looks glamorous. 403 00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:28,063 But, you've got all the time in the world, 404 00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:31,054 and a lot of wonderful experiences ahead of you. 405 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:34,125 Hang on, I wanna give you something. 406 00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:36,526 This book helped me when I was about your age. 407 00:21:38,698 --> 00:21:41,109 It let me know that as long as I kept on rolling, 408 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,868 I'd find that one person who would make me whole. 409 00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:47,037 Thanks, Mr. Quagmire. You don't have to thank me. 410 00:21:47,106 --> 00:21:49,674 Now, get on out of here, you little scamp. 411 00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:54,945 All right, ladies, you ready for action? 412 00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:58,015 We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the whip? 413 00:21:58,084 --> 00:21:59,883 Got it right... Wait, what? 414 00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:04,521 Hello, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up at 11:00, 415 00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:07,624 Quahog police return to active duty after giving up the search 416 00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:10,828 for fictitious Romancing the Stone character, Elaine Wilder. 417 00:22:10,897 --> 00:22:13,798 Plus, in national news, America's Scoutmasters are asking, 418 00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:15,966 "Why are the kids so shy in the shower?" 419 00:22:16,035 --> 00:22:18,969 And, in entertainment, is Annette Bening made of leather? 420 00:22:19,038 --> 00:22:21,305 A local tanner has a surprising revelation. 421 00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:23,018 We'll have all this, and what else, Ollie? 422 00:22:23,042 --> 00:22:25,342 Sports! And sports. Join us at 11:00.